Thursday, March 15, 2007
im sorry.
"dun take it to heart"
im really sorry to have made u even more angry with the post i wrote. as i said, i didnt want u to take it too seriously. the prob is, i dun even noe u cud even read it. i posted it up because i tot u were at camp. i was planning to delete the post off today, after ur camp. but how was i to noe tt u cud read my blog during camp? its really my fault for tt. ppl say things their not supposed to when their angry. i bet u are one of them too. i shudnt have turned my anger into rage by saying those things. i guess God is punishing me by letting this happen. since the day b4 yesterday, i always prayed for ur forgiveness, or at least make u not be angry with me. but i guess He still wants me to suffer more b4 it actually happens. there's really nth i can do now but to think how embarrassing it is to sit with someone hu hates me. this are all the simple things i have to worry about being a friend. it has alr came to a point where i start to blame myself for being a bad friend. i often tried to be someone better. but i guess u still dun see it tt way. i didnt expect such a simple mistake to cause so much misery to u and my lives. ok, maybe its not so simple. i cud have done other wrong things in the past to make u so angry now. maybe my untrustworthy-ness tt ll told u about, the awful habit i have to correct ppl, and yea... a straightfoward fucking attitude i have when i start complaining about sth. but this is me. and im trying to improve "me". i am still in the process u see... its not tt i want this kind of character. im really troubled by everything la. until the extend of wanting to study overseas and leave this country for good.
there's a change in my life tt i was always proud about. rmb tt time when i told sy tt zh's father was in the sch, and u suddenly said "WALAO, cannot tell her one lor. u always like tt one leh." and u stomped off. well, yeah. i was hurt, VERY hurt. but all i cud think of tt time was whether if u cud stop being angry with me. not blaming u for accusing me like tt. when u said tt it was actually nth serious about the thing i said, i was super relieved. see? this are the little bits i was toking about- me changing. im practically changing for the benefit of my future, and its mostly for u. im sick of u showing me those "i-cant-stand-you" face (not tt its a bad thing). its because of u tt i want to change hu i am. there were so many times i was seriously hurt when only u and ll went out. i wasnt at all jokingly hurt. i really mean it, i was really sad when u all didnt even bother to ask me if i cud go. and jumped straight to conclusion tt "she cannot go one la". i mean... even IF i always cant go out, at least tell me tt u 2 were gonna have fun. i noe u dun mean tt. but hey, i dun mean to make u angry too u noe? u 2 are always having fun with urselfs. and u blame me for always sticking with linghui? or maybe u weren't exactly blaming. but i take it tt way. just like how u took me for mistake. again, i was seriously hurt. there was nth i cud do. i treat linghui and u both the same. its just tt i can spend more time with linghui because of band and tuition. its not as if i didnt care more about u because of her rite?
i walked off after u told me u were angry with me (right in the face) because i didnt want to u to see me cry. this is how much u mean to me as a friend. i noe i have those kiam-pa face. but hey, i wud gladly make it better if i had the money ok?
being friends mean to change ur weaknessess and to accept ur partner's weaknessess. i changed mine and tried to accept urs. can u do the same for me? i dun expect u to change though, but can u at least realise wat i am going through now in life and TRY to accept my behaviour? im going through this phase in life i wudnt count as "memories" in the future. u think i dun have enough problems to handle alr? u have all the things i dun have. u have ur parents communicating, siblings to accompany u when u need them, ur freedom of going out anytime u want. i dun have any of them. im usually very alone at home. i wudnt count myself accompanied with my mother always crying at home. my father comes home late, my sister always hangs out with her boyfriend, my mother stays at home complaining all the time until i wish i was deaf, and i, became the fence between everybody my mother cares about. my mum had bruises because my dad throwing things at her, my mum always saying tt my sister's a slut infront of me, and always telling me they quarrel because of my sister. wat am i, being the youngest in the family supposed to do? i cant bare to just give up and leave everything behind by committing suicide rite? its hard to see tt i am THIS sad with my happy face rite? and its seriously NOT wrong for me to ask xl for a place to stay incase i run away from home. if i dun run away, i'd probably kill myself. i NEED the pity from someone, but i dun want to be a nuisance trying to attract attention from everyone. u never had to think of those did u? i was always the punching bag and the listener to all my mum's problems. but no one was there to hear mine. im gonna explode soon man. my mum works her ass off trying to get a genting ticket for her and my father. and she tells me now tt she doesnt think tt she can use it. even this little things i have to worry about. so pls... i dun want to cry like a baby here anymore. i dun expect pity from u. i just expect ur forgiveness.
sorry yuhua.
will u be my angel again? 0=)
im really sorry to have made u even more angry with the post i wrote. as i said, i didnt want u to take it too seriously. the prob is, i dun even noe u cud even read it. i posted it up because i tot u were at camp. i was planning to delete the post off today, after ur camp. but how was i to noe tt u cud read my blog during camp? its really my fault for tt. ppl say things their not supposed to when their angry. i bet u are one of them too. i shudnt have turned my anger into rage by saying those things. i guess God is punishing me by letting this happen. since the day b4 yesterday, i always prayed for ur forgiveness, or at least make u not be angry with me. but i guess He still wants me to suffer more b4 it actually happens. there's really nth i can do now but to think how embarrassing it is to sit with someone hu hates me. this are all the simple things i have to worry about being a friend. it has alr came to a point where i start to blame myself for being a bad friend. i often tried to be someone better. but i guess u still dun see it tt way. i didnt expect such a simple mistake to cause so much misery to u and my lives. ok, maybe its not so simple. i cud have done other wrong things in the past to make u so angry now. maybe my untrustworthy-ness tt ll told u about, the awful habit i have to correct ppl, and yea... a straightfoward fucking attitude i have when i start complaining about sth. but this is me. and im trying to improve "me". i am still in the process u see... its not tt i want this kind of character. im really troubled by everything la. until the extend of wanting to study overseas and leave this country for good.
there's a change in my life tt i was always proud about. rmb tt time when i told sy tt zh's father was in the sch, and u suddenly said "WALAO, cannot tell her one lor. u always like tt one leh." and u stomped off. well, yeah. i was hurt, VERY hurt. but all i cud think of tt time was whether if u cud stop being angry with me. not blaming u for accusing me like tt. when u said tt it was actually nth serious about the thing i said, i was super relieved. see? this are the little bits i was toking about- me changing. im practically changing for the benefit of my future, and its mostly for u. im sick of u showing me those "i-cant-stand-you" face (not tt its a bad thing). its because of u tt i want to change hu i am. there were so many times i was seriously hurt when only u and ll went out. i wasnt at all jokingly hurt. i really mean it, i was really sad when u all didnt even bother to ask me if i cud go. and jumped straight to conclusion tt "she cannot go one la". i mean... even IF i always cant go out, at least tell me tt u 2 were gonna have fun. i noe u dun mean tt. but hey, i dun mean to make u angry too u noe? u 2 are always having fun with urselfs. and u blame me for always sticking with linghui? or maybe u weren't exactly blaming. but i take it tt way. just like how u took me for mistake. again, i was seriously hurt. there was nth i cud do. i treat linghui and u both the same. its just tt i can spend more time with linghui because of band and tuition. its not as if i didnt care more about u because of her rite?
i walked off after u told me u were angry with me (right in the face) because i didnt want to u to see me cry. this is how much u mean to me as a friend. i noe i have those kiam-pa face. but hey, i wud gladly make it better if i had the money ok?
being friends mean to change ur weaknessess and to accept ur partner's weaknessess. i changed mine and tried to accept urs. can u do the same for me? i dun expect u to change though, but can u at least realise wat i am going through now in life and TRY to accept my behaviour? im going through this phase in life i wudnt count as "memories" in the future. u think i dun have enough problems to handle alr? u have all the things i dun have. u have ur parents communicating, siblings to accompany u when u need them, ur freedom of going out anytime u want. i dun have any of them. im usually very alone at home. i wudnt count myself accompanied with my mother always crying at home. my father comes home late, my sister always hangs out with her boyfriend, my mother stays at home complaining all the time until i wish i was deaf, and i, became the fence between everybody my mother cares about. my mum had bruises because my dad throwing things at her, my mum always saying tt my sister's a slut infront of me, and always telling me they quarrel because of my sister. wat am i, being the youngest in the family supposed to do? i cant bare to just give up and leave everything behind by committing suicide rite? its hard to see tt i am THIS sad with my happy face rite? and its seriously NOT wrong for me to ask xl for a place to stay incase i run away from home. if i dun run away, i'd probably kill myself. i NEED the pity from someone, but i dun want to be a nuisance trying to attract attention from everyone. u never had to think of those did u? i was always the punching bag and the listener to all my mum's problems. but no one was there to hear mine. im gonna explode soon man. my mum works her ass off trying to get a genting ticket for her and my father. and she tells me now tt she doesnt think tt she can use it. even this little things i have to worry about. so pls... i dun want to cry like a baby here anymore. i dun expect pity from u. i just expect ur forgiveness.
sorry yuhua.
will u be my angel again? 0=)
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