OBMUD.

we were told not to say these 2 holy-dified words. band and MCB. (sorry fuhui)

since blogging is where u voice ur opinions, i am here to post mine. i hope i wun get into trouble or wat so ever. im just reminding every member in ____ to really think twicethricefourtimes b4 they blog about sensitive issues.
in another hand, about ___ being not united and stuffs, i think tt we really shud tok it and not like use other things to cover them up. blogging about it is a really good way i find. but at least lock tt post up or sth. its not like tt someone made u pissed/pekchek on purpose.
this is y i dun really agree with fuhui statement about not blogging about anything relating to ____.

and just a gentle reminder to all juniors in ___. i noe tt this is also a sign tt ___ is not united. but things like respecting ur seniors are very impt. stop staring at them if they made mistakes in playing, dun scold them for playing wrong notes, dun shout at them when their not in tune. and i really mean it, their ur seniors after all. no matter how wrong they are, u still have to respect them. this is wat we learn in mayflower and i hope u all can learn. this applies to seniors too. bottomline: just respect everyone if u wish to be respected. i am learning to respect, i hope we can all learn together. we experienced so much together, i dun want all these years of friendship we have to be washed down the drain just like tt. i noe we are united no matter wat those blogs said. im sure u ppl dun mean it. ppl say things when their pekchek-ed. so, lets try to tok things out and let mr vimal see tt we are one united and happy family. =D

I <3 Mr. Vimal

___ huats.

i totally ADORE xiaxue ok. she's like totally natural la! ughhhh~

anyways, nth much happened today. just the career seminar tt lasted like... 3 over hours... it was quite fun though, but it doesnt really help me in wat im gonna work as in the future. they're all thought of by me alr. HEEE.

well, this was the result of my career test.

im an INFP. (Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving)
the Idealists; "fanatic".

INFPs enjoy work that involves connecting with people and possibilities. They enjoy looking at the big picture and helping others to achieve goals. They are good at formulating accurate impressions of others and like to help others in their development. INFPs work for causes that connect to their values. They like to express themselves creatively and prefer independence, autonomy and flexibility with their work environment. They enjoy working with people one-on-one and like mentoring relationships.

Jobs available
Counseling/Education: Counselor, Educational Consultant, Psychologist, Minister, Social Worker, Teacher, Translator/Intepreter, Artist, Writer, Composer, Entertainer, Architect, Graphic Designer, Musician, Editor/Art Director, Journalist

Business: Human Resource, Employee Development, Consultant, Therapist, Dietician/Nutritionist, Speech Pathologist

like WOW right? esp the Minister part. BWAHAHAHA. but chanel keeps on laughing at the "Dietician/Nutritionist" part. is it SO funny?!!

well, tt's all for today. have u KFC-ed (Kentucky-Fried-Chanel) yet?

oh hi... i just read the newspaper article about EMO TEENS. u guys shud go read it. its a total check if u are EMO or not.

1. u wear dark T-shirts, a little undersized or delibrately worn out to look old.
2. choice of sneakers: Converse canvas shoes. With words like "pain" or a broken heart drawn on it.
3. u have heavily lined eyes.
4. long fringed hair hair which covers half the face.
5. listens to angst-filled music from bands like Hawthorne Heights, Aiden, The Used, My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy.
6. writes suicidal poems.
7. slashes ur wrists.

hmmm, i did the check on myself. well, its hard to decide whether im EMO or not.

1. i dun wear dark T-shirts often, and definitely NOT undersized ones. infact i need to wear oversized ones to cover up all my FAT. and i nv loved holes. so yeah... NOPE.
2. i dun even have money to buy Converse shoes. i wear canvas shoes though... but i definitely WOULDNT write things on my shoes to make them dirty. NOPE.
3. heavy lined eyes? i have eyebags which create a shadow under my eyes. is tt counted too?
4. long fringed hair... i used to have it. AH, im gonna cry soon. but i keep my fringe long to cover most of my WIDE forehead. it only covers one eye, not half the face. and long hair at the back to cover my awfully FAT neck. AH, i dun care. im gonna have long fringe again. its so... EMO.
5. and i DONT listen to music often. from all the bands above, i only noe hu's My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. o.0
6. i used to write depressing poems, but they were mostly because i was bored, NOT suicidal.
7. and i will definitely NOT slash my wrists. like EWWW, i hate penknives or any other sharp and blade-y objects. but to "ease the pain", i pinch myself! not tt its really for easing the pain, its because i think blue-blacks look cute on me. HEH~

hmmm, so ya. im EMO, and im not EMO. well, i hate following trends, so i guess im NOT. (:

oh ermm, and to faris, there's nth wrong with u. cause i only cud think of u when i think of STM. *no offence*

hmmm, ok. now i get almost the whole picture of the u and me thing. so many previous misunderstandings we had tt made this one a HUGE one. hmm, fiy, i dunno wat im feeling right now too. i guess we're in the same boat...
0:(

and i sure rmb tt time i asked u if i cud sit with linghui. i rmb things ok... not tt i have stm like faris. 0:S
but about tt... yea, i wasnt so sensitive to think tt u will actually be hurt. im sorry about tt ok? i also cannot quite rmb wat was tt all about. its like so long ago la. -.-

and yeah... maybe u really didnt stomp off. maybe everything just seemed quiet after u said "walao". tt's y ur footsteps seems so loud then. o.0

and i still didnt see the LOVE u had for ur baobao until i saw ur blogpost. heh... my sister has some sort of ur baobao. but her's is just a smelly cloth called "momo" (directly translated= touchtouch).

and im sorry i didnt realise tt i did those things* to u everyday. im really sorry i tot u were generous. so i shant label u as "generous" anymore. because i noe how it feels when ppl think tt ur something ur not. YAR. and i hate it too. so i shud just treat u as my best friend for now. heh..... *shy*

being disappointed with me is the correct feeling u shud get now. because after ur post, i finally realise wat a *beep* i can be. i didnt realise tt u were actually going through the same pain as i am now. infact i think ur worse (no offence), because ur father dun dare to shout back at ur mother. i hope u feel the pain ur father has as i noe exactly how he feels too. and i noe how u feel too. at least i can get to hear my parents shouting at each other (not tt its a good thing -.-). i just have to think "at least their communicating", to make me feel better. and maybe cry a few galons b4 i go to sleep and have puffy eyes the next day. (err, is this how i get my massive eyebags? 0:S) ya... anyway, on another hand, u cant do anything. u just have to suffer the pain ur father has to suffer when he doesnt say anything. err... yeah.

i hope this will be the last blogpost of my apologies to u. altho i wudnt mind writing more. and u still have not answered me yet. HAVE U DONE UR HW?

0xD

i really wish i cud write a happy blogpost. but i really cant. blogging is the only way i can calm myself. i am, alone, at home, again. can they stop leaving me at home all the time? i noe they have to work. but dun they see tt im in need of sth called attention? it has came to a point where i will be dead at home and no one will realise. i cry for fucking no reason everytime im alone, u dunno about tt because... u werent even at home. i throw my pens around when im doing my work and slap my head wishing i was cleverer. i tok to myself now and then, hoping i cud be my own bestfriend. i look at our fishes and try to resemble every one of them as my friends. im one hu is problematic, its just tt i dun want u all to be worried for me again. i wud have loved to kill teachers, but i was afraid i wud have to leave u all for a long time if i really do so. well, u didnt kill any of my/your teachers, so y are all of u leaving me alone?

this is totally suckish. i was asleep, until my sister asked me whether she cud go out. i said ya. can i say no? i'll probably be another pain in the butt for many more ppl if i did so. i've given my full tolerance for u all. and i think the space "tolerance" is gonna be filled up soon. (daryl) it is not tt i dun want to give in. it is tt i have already given enough. i realised tt it is really wrong to keep everything inside u. i did tt for the past 15+ years and only ended up with more pimples and bad-hair days. and i cant take it anymore. ppl are taking advantage of me because im the good girl. dun be suprised if i happen to be on the newspapers one day because i killed someone. i cant kill myself, so im out killing ppl.

dun think im ur good girl. and dun think tt sister is muchmuch worse than me. im not any better mentally. infact i have much more mental problem than her. u cant blame me for my depression, as i didnt mind sharing urs. i think i have to start stealing ur pills and make my own liver fail sloooowwwwly.

i'd most probably be stoning my way thinking of hw as i eat my cup noodles. it is alr the 2nd last day of my hols. everything is going so slowly except the time i have left to do my hw. the worst thing is, it wudnt feel the same, now tt i cant ask yuhua whether she's done her work already. but bleah, yuhua, have u done ur work? (:

firstly, wat did i say to xl from the start? i didnt mean anything bad rite. how was i to noe tt u will be angry about it? tt sms was harmless. and yet u made it until it was so... scary. u think i wud send the message to her if i noe this was going to happen? so i alr learnt my lesson tt smses cant really express wat u really mean. its not tt im blaming u for being angry with me. and its not tt i really think u are petty. i tot u were petty at first because i wudnt be angry if i were u. seriously! as u said, i am different. tt's fine with me. but can u accept this difference i have? cause i dun really think it is worth to end our friendship because of some dumb chem proj. next, im not one hu group ppl individually. again, im different from u. i categorise ppl according to "best friends", "good friends" and "idiots". and u and linghui happens to be in the same group. i am really afraid to lose any one of u. i give linghui more of my attention as i noe her character. she is totally different from u. she's more sensitive, and u are more generous. i need not have to worry about u because i noe u will understand the reasons for my actions. in the first place, i really didnt mean any harm. it was because u were angry with me (when i tot u shudnt be then), tt i was really frustrated because u didnt even bother to say "hi" to me. if u dunno me yet. im one hu really is afraid of losing friends. cause i will be nth without friends.

and at the firstFIRST place, i didnt even remember remembering tt u actually asked me about the grouping. im not blaming u for not repeating ur question, and im also not trying to say tt i dun really care about wat ur saying (i do okay?!). this is y i can feel ur pain when u said tt we pang seh-ed u. well, if it really was the case, perhaps its none of my fault about the grouping thing. cause i really didnt noe ANYTHING about the grouping. i did NOT pangseh u.

say me fake all u want. i dun mean everything? OF COURSE. i mean it when i say i dun mean it. since everyone thinks tt im only faking, its really no use to live any longer. now i reallyreally noe tt smses are FATAL when u use them too often. u will start to become more dependent on them, and soon hurt ppl because of ur insincerity using smses.

so i really do NOT noe wat to say from now onwards. it seems quite impossible to make u forgive me now. so we, i mean, I shud just remain silent until i graduate from this sch, since u dun treat me like u used to anymore.

i dun want to say this, but bye.

since i cant access ur tag board for some reason...i'll tell u here....i din noe u had so much crap in ur life...waaay harsh.....nvr would have expected you to have so many problems seeing as how u always seemed happy...but just so u noe....if u nid someone to tok to or be ur punching bag...i'm here for u ya?....dun hesitate to ask me for anything at all...i'm willing to do all i can to help ok?

THANK YOU MY SUPER NIANG GOD BROTHERRRRRR DARYL.
i almost cried can???
thanks for such simple words to make my day.
perhaps i learnt my emo-ness from u.
but yeah... i'll try to smile as much as i can. HEEEEE. :D

"dun take it to heart"

im really sorry to have made u even more angry with the post i wrote. as i said, i didnt want u to take it too seriously. the prob is, i dun even noe u cud even read it. i posted it up because i tot u were at camp. i was planning to delete the post off today, after ur camp. but how was i to noe tt u cud read my blog during camp? its really my fault for tt. ppl say things their not supposed to when their angry. i bet u are one of them too. i shudnt have turned my anger into rage by saying those things. i guess God is punishing me by letting this happen. since the day b4 yesterday, i always prayed for ur forgiveness, or at least make u not be angry with me. but i guess He still wants me to suffer more b4 it actually happens. there's really nth i can do now but to think how embarrassing it is to sit with someone hu hates me. this are all the simple things i have to worry about being a friend. it has alr came to a point where i start to blame myself for being a bad friend. i often tried to be someone better. but i guess u still dun see it tt way. i didnt expect such a simple mistake to cause so much misery to u and my lives. ok, maybe its not so simple. i cud have done other wrong things in the past to make u so angry now. maybe my untrustworthy-ness tt ll told u about, the awful habit i have to correct ppl, and yea... a straightfoward fucking attitude i have when i start complaining about sth. but this is me. and im trying to improve "me". i am still in the process u see... its not tt i want this kind of character. im really troubled by everything la. until the extend of wanting to study overseas and leave this country for good.

there's a change in my life tt i was always proud about. rmb tt time when i told sy tt zh's father was in the sch, and u suddenly said "WALAO, cannot tell her one lor. u always like tt one leh." and u stomped off. well, yeah. i was hurt, VERY hurt. but all i cud think of tt time was whether if u cud stop being angry with me. not blaming u for accusing me like tt. when u said tt it was actually nth serious about the thing i said, i was super relieved. see? this are the little bits i was toking about- me changing. im practically changing for the benefit of my future, and its mostly for u. im sick of u showing me those "i-cant-stand-you" face (not tt its a bad thing). its because of u tt i want to change hu i am. there were so many times i was seriously hurt when only u and ll went out. i wasnt at all jokingly hurt. i really mean it, i was really sad when u all didnt even bother to ask me if i cud go. and jumped straight to conclusion tt "she cannot go one la". i mean... even IF i always cant go out, at least tell me tt u 2 were gonna have fun. i noe u dun mean tt. but hey, i dun mean to make u angry too u noe? u 2 are always having fun with urselfs. and u blame me for always sticking with linghui? or maybe u weren't exactly blaming. but i take it tt way. just like how u took me for mistake. again, i was seriously hurt. there was nth i cud do. i treat linghui and u both the same. its just tt i can spend more time with linghui because of band and tuition. its not as if i didnt care more about u because of her rite?

i walked off after u told me u were angry with me (right in the face) because i didnt want to u to see me cry. this is how much u mean to me as a friend. i noe i have those kiam-pa face. but hey, i wud gladly make it better if i had the money ok?

being friends mean to change ur weaknessess and to accept ur partner's weaknessess. i changed mine and tried to accept urs. can u do the same for me? i dun expect u to change though, but can u at least realise wat i am going through now in life and TRY to accept my behaviour? im going through this phase in life i wudnt count as "memories" in the future. u think i dun have enough problems to handle alr? u have all the things i dun have. u have ur parents communicating, siblings to accompany u when u need them, ur freedom of going out anytime u want. i dun have any of them. im usually very alone at home. i wudnt count myself accompanied with my mother always crying at home. my father comes home late, my sister always hangs out with her boyfriend, my mother stays at home complaining all the time until i wish i was deaf, and i, became the fence between everybody my mother cares about. my mum had bruises because my dad throwing things at her, my mum always saying tt my sister's a slut infront of me, and always telling me they quarrel because of my sister. wat am i, being the youngest in the family supposed to do? i cant bare to just give up and leave everything behind by committing suicide rite? its hard to see tt i am THIS sad with my happy face rite? and its seriously NOT wrong for me to ask xl for a place to stay incase i run away from home. if i dun run away, i'd probably kill myself. i NEED the pity from someone, but i dun want to be a nuisance trying to attract attention from everyone. u never had to think of those did u? i was always the punching bag and the listener to all my mum's problems. but no one was there to hear mine. im gonna explode soon man. my mum works her ass off trying to get a genting ticket for her and my father. and she tells me now tt she doesnt think tt she can use it. even this little things i have to worry about. so pls... i dun want to cry like a baby here anymore. i dun expect pity from u. i just expect ur forgiveness.

sorry yuhua.
will u be my angel again? 0=)

ok, today was fun. nobody bothered to give me any smiles. but yeah. i dun care...

band's gonna perform on tuesday when sch reopens. like WTH. i love performing. anyways, not going band on friday cause of tuition. yea... its been really stressful for me to go for band, tuition, band, tuition everyday. but BLEAH. this is the last ever year im gonna have anything called "tuition" & "band". i just realised i aint really interested in music. im more to having fun and living my own life, doing things tt are not social. well, i hope i'll lead a happy life ahead. and i hope u guys would too. although i dun really care how pitiful will ur lives be compared to mine. BYE.

(im feeling darn bitchy now. can anybody feel my pain?)

ah, the striked sentences are all typed when i was angry. dun take it to heart.

its really difficult to understand why the hell u ppl will get angry. if ur angry, SAY SO. dun say ur not angry, when u give tt fucked up face whenever u see us. pls... im not blaming u to be angry or anything, although i wudnt be angry if i were u. GROW UP. its not as if we only revolve around few friends. HELLO.
u all are seriously idiotic to have been angry with us. i still dun get it! wat for u get angry!?! nth was even planned from the start and now u blame us for pairing up together? COME ON LA. and its not as if this darn chem assignment is anything important. just because of this simple grouping thingy, we end up giving each other fucked up faces. WHAT FOR?!! this is darn childish man... its so 'baby' i want to KILL myself. ur black faces made me almost puke out my lungs and intestines as i didnt have breakfast. pls... either u come tok clean with us, or just get out of our sights with those smelly faces. u guys made me detest making friends. i wud rather be spending my wonderful life ALONE, than to be with friends like u all... forever making mountains out of molehills, as if u were all oh-so-perfect. come on... i dun give a damn on how "perfect" u are. u are just not like me, and im seriously very fucked up about tt. why cant this fucking world contain only ppl like me? how great wud it be being with not-so-petty ppl and matured-enough ppl. AH. i swear NEVER to make any new friends from mayflower or be too close to anyone in mayflower. i have had enough. i'd rather be some lame quiet shit sitting infront of the whole class listening to only my teacher's voice. as all the other voices are just plain GROSS. i really wonder HOW are they able to keep such rotten voiceboxes in their necks. i wud rather stop toking for the rest of my lives than to have such awful-sounding voices.
i noe im being childish also to type all these stuffs. but hey, U STARTED IT. treat me 'baby' and i'll treat u 'baby'. there's nth more for me to say to u guys. i just HATE being around with such babies. pee in ur diapers for all i care, ur mummies will be there to clean it up for u.

OH HI! ppl, i've decided to lose weight! as in, i noe i say so much about losing weight but haven really done it. well, i am gonna lose weight! YAY! i did 100 skipping rope, 60 crunches, 5 rounds round my house, and 10 pumpings! like OMF! so cool la... ^^

YES, my motivation is linghui! she made me think tt being slim is a veryvery good thing. and to linghui, PLS STOP LOSING WEIGHT! ur legs aren't bigger than mine! so stop comparing with me. PLEASEEEEE. u are slim enough. i dun want u to become skin+bones only. promise me.

yups, wish me luck for my jian-fei-ing! :DDD

hi ppl. im seriously depressed by almost everything tt is happening to me. the pathetic income, fat-ness and studies. my studies are seriously deproving ALOT. but im just glad my results last time wasnt good, so the deprovement wouldnt be so obvious. im saying it like its sth very good. well its NOT.

anyways, im starting to read a book now, (u must be thinking like "WTF?! rae reads?" but BLEAH.) and its kinda lucky for me tt i have such an exciting book for a start. well, thanks to huiting! (yuhua shuddup.) ^^ i hope i can improve my chinese b4 the prelims and score at least a MERIT for my oral. haha. cause my chinese oral really SUCKS like... un-bouncy fishballs.

yeps, and im getting fatter and fatter everyday. if i am not afraid of pen-knives, i would have used one to slice off my fats now. its really gross seeing so much excessive fat protruding out of almost everywhere. MAN, how i wish i have the money and time to go mariefrance or some weirdweird-named slimming centre. AH~

and next, the pathetic sum of money i have left in my savings are really beyond speech. i HATE it when u need to buy so many things with so little money. it depresses me. i need money. tt's y, i came out with an idea! * ding! *

my idea:
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yups. tt's about it. and i really mean it u noe. ^^ alrights off to neopets alr. BYEEEE~

! i cant wait for my class chalet coming up next week.